


What's in Those Blasted Burgers?

by Bird_of_Dreams



Series: A Burger A Day [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 20:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bird_of_Dreams/pseuds/Bird_of_Dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was definitely not what England had in mind after he took a bite out of America's burger. Companion fic to "A Burger a Day"</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's in Those Blasted Burgers?

Ever since the fiasco with America and his burger (which the nations have now dubbed "B-Day"), England has relied on a most cautious policy in dealing with America, offering him _several_  burgers a day and suffering from minor panic attacks when America is seen without a burger in hand. It seemed that the rest of the world had also taken up the daily hobby of "burger feeding" America. Said nation still appeared to be confused as to why everyone suddenly decided to rain burgers down on him, not that he was complaining in any way.

Once again, all the nations were trapped in another endless meeting with Germany droning on and on about absolutely mind-numbing topics (not that anyone would dare say that to his face). The large clock soon struck 3:00, signaling the start of the customary ten minute break.

As the other nations sluggishly shuffled off to grab a drink of water or attempt to wake themselves up with a good stretch or two, England remained in his seat and calmly observed his surroundings over his cup of tea. He glanced over to his left, where America was assigned to sit, and let out an almost inaudible sigh when he realized that the other nation had also left the room. Ever since the "incident", England has found it slightly difficult to slip back to their old ways of interacting.

He sighed again and turned more fully to look at America's items. Amongst America's sloppily organized folders and (crayon) scribbled papers was America's now usual plate of burgers, staring innocently back at him. England frowned at the sight of them and glanced quickly to his left, then his right. Seeing that the coast was clear, he erupted into a full blown scowl and pointed an accusatory finger at the burgers.

"How could something as little as you wreck so much mayhem?" He grumbled at the burgers. He expected and received no answer in reply as the burgers continued to stare innocently back at him. England now crossed his arms, feeling a little foolish for addressing inanimate objects.

England threw another quick look to his left and right. Seeing that the coast was still clear, England picked up one of the burgers and jabbed a finger to its side. "I really don't understand why America finds you so addicting." The burger stared back at him, as if asking him to try himself. "No I will not, thank you very much!" He quickly clasped a hand to his mouth, as if to stifle his sudden outburst, and quickly looked around to see if there were any jeering nations.

Finding none, England slowly lowered his hand. He continued to stare at the burger. Admittedly, he  _was_  quite curious as to how it might taste like. "Alright, maybe one teensy bite won't hurt. ...Right?" The burger seemed to brighten up (England swore he was going crazy) as it urged him to try. England tentatively raised the burger to his mouth and took the most miniscule bite.

He commented thoughtfully as he chewed. "Bah, nothing special. Quite bland, actually." He continued to chew. "I really don't see how America can live off of this." Swallowing the bite, he placed the burger back onto the plate and made his way back to his seat. At least England can now honestly tell America that his burgers are absolute bollocks in the future.

The break ended without a hitch and Germany efficiently restarted the meeting as soon as it was over. As Germany worked on pulling up the slide to introduce the next topic of discussion, he suddenly threw a distracted glance at England who was seated beside him. "Ah, England. Would you mind terribly if you helped me distribute these portfolios?" He gestured to a neatly stacked pile of heavy looking binders, seated on a chair beside him. "I'm having a bit of trouble opening this file right now so..."

"Understood, Germany. I'd be happy to assist you." England made his way to the portfolios, secretly biting his lip all the while. Those portfolios looked  _heavy_ , not to mention  _big_ , and England wasn't sure that he could carry very many of them at all.

America, as if aware of England's inner thoughts, chose to call out at this time. "Watch yourself now, old man—wouldn't want you to bust a hip or something." He grinned mischievously. "You sure you don't need a big strong hero like me to help out?"

"Shut your mouth, brat." England snapped. "I can do something like this perfectly fine myself. And no, I do not require the assistance of a big shot  _hero_  in order to do so."

"Whatever you say, Iggy~"

England twitched at America's singsong voice, but restrained himself from snapping again. Instead, he threw himself into the task before him. Initially, he was planning to take a couple of portfolios at a time, but he couldn't lose face in front of America now.  _I'll show him!_  England thought angrily.

Bracing himself, England placed his hands underneath the large stack of portfolios and heaved upward with all his strength. To his immense surprise, his hands were met with little downward resistance and he easily lifted up the pile. England couldn't help but raise his large eyebrows in surprise. On a good day, he probably wouldn't be able to lift up even half of the stack! What in the world was going on?

England chose to save his questions for later and instead schooled his face into the smuggest expression he could manage. As he walked pass America, he directed the full power of his smirk onto the other nation. He was more than pleased when he saw America's eyes widen in surprise.

"Wow, Iggy! Looks like you still got some skills!" America exclaimed, a hint of awe in his voice. England literally felt his head swell with the compliment.

"I told you not to underestimate me, you pompous git." England commented smugly as he systematically went around the meeting room, handing out a portfolio to each of the nations.

Whatever America was going to say in response was cut short when Prussia suddenly made himself be known. "Artie! C'mon, throw one of those to me! Go far!"

Germany paused from his file searching to direct a stern frown at the disruptive nation. " _Bruder_ , how many times have I told you? If you insist upon coming to these meetings, you have to stop your disrespectful habits!"

"Man, don't be shut a spoilsport, West!" Prussia cackled. "Kesesese~ you can't tap this awesomeness, you know?" Germany sighed and smacked a hand to his forehead. Meanwhile, America laughed boisterously at Prusssia's words, adding yet another layer of noise to the meeting room.

England glanced unsurely from Germany to Prussia. Did Prussia still want him to...?

"Man, hurry it up already, Artie! God, you're slow! The awesome me can just feel myself getting older over here!"

England hesitated. "Are you quite sure, Prussia? I don't think it's appropriate for me to physically throw a portfolio to you. We are in a meeting after all."

"Well, screw that! The awesome Prussia doesn't bend to no rules!" England glanced to Germany in askance. Germany sighed as he grudgingly nodded his head in approval. He knew that if Prussia didn't get his way now, he would find a way to be even more disruptive later on.

"Kesese~ I told you it's fine!" Prussia grinned widely. "Now hurry up, chuck the damn thing already. As hard as you can!"

England dubiously eyed the distance between himself and Prussia. He was currently standing near the front of the room, having nearly completed his round around the table, while Prussia was sitting near the back.  _Oh hell, here goes nothing._  England grimaced and hurled the portfolio with all his might.

"Holy shit!" Prussia, who was readied in a position to catch the thrown portfolio, suddenly ducked down as the portfolio flew towards him at a frightening speed. The dodged portfolio hit the back wall with an audible  _bang_  and slid to the ground. There was a large, noticeable dent where the portfolio made contact with the wall and a network of wide cracks splintered from the hole.

All the nations looked at England, to the wrecked wall, and once again back at England, expressions of awe, shock, and horror intermingled on their faces. England stared down at his own hand with bewilderment and a fair bit of alarm. Had he somehow gotten bitten with a radioactive spider of some sort without his knowing?

America let out a loud whoop. "Wow, Iggy, what the heck are you on? I want some!"

"I'm not on anything you daft fool!" England exclaimed, flustered. He took a deep breath calming breath before turning apologetically to Prussia. "I really do apologize for that, Prussia. I seem to have, ah, underestimated my own strength."

"No shit." Prussia grumbled. "You trying to take me out or something, Artie?"

"No, of course I'm not. Like I said, I really am..."

"I got it! You must be jealous of my awesomeness, huh?" Prussia interrupted cheekily. "Not that I blame you though."

England tried to keep his calm. "That's not it, Prussia. It was just an..."

"I mean, why wouldn't you be insanely jealous of this awesomeness?" Prussia gestured grandly to himself, not aware that he was toeing the line very closely. "I mean, I'm the AWESOME  _Preußen_ and you're just England. Lonely 'ol England who can't get laid even if..."

"Dammit, will you quit your incessant yapping and listen to me already, Prussia!" England exclaimed, slamming a fist onto the table. Everyone stared at the table. England slowly lifted his fist and belatedly realized that the part of the hard mahogany table he punched had splintered and was on the verge of breaking off.

"I…" England noisily cleared his throat. "As I was saying, Prussia, I do apologize for that earlier mishap. And fear not, Germany. I shall pay for the costs of the…damages I've inflicted."

"That's fine." Germany grunted, but he too was giving England a strange look, as if he were some sort of alien creature on display. England gave himself a once-over and frowned. He certainly didn't feel any different.

If anything, America seemed to be even more impressed with England's latest feat of strength. "Freakin' awesome, old man! But c'mon, Iggy! You can tell me why you suddenly got super strength, can't you? Pleeeeeeeease? With a cherry on top?" America unleashed his deadly puppy dog eyes of doom, rendering England flustered.

"There's nothing to be said, America! Like I said before, I've eaten nothing out of the ordinary. All I had today was my usual tea and scones, as well as a bite of your burg..." England's words trailed off as a realization suddenly occurred to him.  _That's utterly impossible,_ He thought to himself.  _But if that were true, then everything would make sense, wouldn't it?_

"America!" The other nation jumped, startled at being addressed so suddenly. "What in the world do you put in those blasted burgers?"

"Huh, what do you mean, Iggy?" America flashed a smile and a thumbs up. "It's made with 100% awesomeness, of course!"

England had to physically restrain himself from pounding on the table again, less he rack up even more damage costs. "I'm not in the mood for fooling around right now, you sodding git!"

"Jeez, chill out dude." America's smile faltered slightly. "It's just made of what burgers are usually made out of—beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, dressing…but why the sudden interest, Iggy? And what's this got to do with anything?"

"Because," England hesitated, aware of how foolish his next words were going to sound. "I…erm…happened to take a bite of your burger and I believe it might have bestowed super strength upon me." As England expected, silence greeted his words.

" _Angleterre_ , has eating all that toxic waste you call food finally made you lost it?" France asked with an amused expression on his face.

"My brains are not addled, you damn frog! And my food is perfectly fine, thank you very much. It's just you who possesses unrefined tastes." France rolled his eyes at this statement. "And I'm being completely serious, frog."

France snorted in disbelief. " _Oui_. And I'm the next Queen of  _Angleterre_."

"Damn you, frog! I know what I'm saying might sound far-fetched, but all of my strange feats of strength happened after I took a bite of that blasted burger. I mean, what other explanation is there for all of this?"

At this point, all the other nations jumped in unhelpfully.

"Uh, your so-called fairies, maybe?"

"Perhaps it might be the work of a  _youkai,_ England-san."

"Aiyah, what if you're possessed by a demon, aru?"

"This must be what they call a curse, da?"

"Very helpful, the lot of you." England snarked sarcastically. He whirled on the single nation who had remained uncharacteristically silent throughout the chatter. "America! You have something to do with this, don't you?"

"W-What are you talking about, Iggy?" America laughed uneasily. "As if the hero would do something like this!" England narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Truth be told, he didn't actually suspect America of anything, but as his policy goes: if anything ever goes wrong, America should always be the first to blame. After seeing America's awkward response though, England's suspicions were confirmed.

"Don't you dare try to talk your way out of this one, brat. You've never been able to lie properly to my face whenever you're plotting something so there's no point in trying to hide anymore." England crossed his arms expectantly.

America bit his lip for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Alright, you caught me, Iggy." A wide grin suddenly split across his face. "Man, I can't believe you fell for it though. You should have seen the look on your face." He broke off laughing heartedly.

At this point, England was understandably incensed. "Alfred F. Jones, if you don't explain yourself thoroughly this instance, God help me, I swear I will..."

"Dude, I totally pranked you." America interrupted with a laugh. "I mean, I thought that much was obvious at least." England saw red as the younger nation had the gall to smirk proudly.

England tried to keep his voice even. "You mean to say that all this time the burger didn't..."

"Magically give you super strength or some crazy shit like that?" America cut in. "Of course not, old man! As if something like that is even possible. Like I said, I can't believe you actually thought that eating my burger can give you super strength." He broke off laughing again.

England was so angry that he actually had to pause for a moment to grasp for words. "Then how will you explain what happened with the stack of portfolios? And the table?"

"And the portfolio that almost took off my head!" Prussia interjected loudly.

America's eyes glimmered with mischief. "Well, the thing is, I replaced all the real portfolios with fake ones made of styrofoam so it seemed like you could lift it easily with your 'super strength.'" America explained, air quotes around the words "super strength". "And you were able to throw that portfolio so hard because I stuck this gadget that launches anything at super high speeds on it. As for the table, well, you've seen the Hollywood movie props, right? The ones that are designed to break with minimal strength? Yeah, I replaced your portion of the table with a prop table so that you would think that you broke it with some sort of super punch." America ended his explanation with a nod and a self-satisfied smile.

England took a moment to process America's explanation before exploding in a furious voice. "You sodding wanker! I can't believe you would actually do something like this! How dare you play me for the fool!"

"But wasn't it funny, Iggy?" America asked innocently. "It was a well thought out prank, wasn't it? I mean, you actually believed it for a while..."

"Funny? You thought that was  _funny_?" England continued to rant. "I've never felt so humiliated in my life!" And with those final parting words, England stormed out of the meeting room, door slamming loudly behind him. A charged silence greeted the room after his departure.

"Man, dude can't take a joke, can he?" America pouted to no one in particular.

Germany sighed and resisted the urge to slump onto the table. He desperately needed a large beer right about now. "Seeing as the peaceful mood necessary for a meeting is now ruined thanks to a certain someone," Germany threw a pointed look in America's direction. "Let's take a short break and reconvene in about five minutes."

One by one, the nations marched out the door, whispers breaking out like wildfire as they left the room. Before Germany walked out, he threw a withering look at America. "Next time you want to pull a prank, America, please find a more appropriate time to do so and resist from disrupting the meeting." He finished with clenched teeth.

"But that time was as good as any!" America protested from his seat. Germany merely rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like " _Verdammt noch mal diese all*_ " before he, too, exited.

America was now alone in the meeting room. He paused for a second before saying, "You can go ahead and come out now," to the seemingly empty wall.

A lower section of the wall was suddenly shifted off, revealing a suited person crouching within a small secret passageway. The man unfolded himself from the compartment and dusted off his suit. "Reporting results, sir." The man saluted sharply. America nodded for him to continue.

"According to the retrieved data, sir, Subject England experienced a sharp increase in physical strength within two minutes of burger consumption." He consulted through the pile of papers he was holding. "Overall body strength was reported to peak over 300%, body dexterity by 200%, and reaction rate was improved twice fold. Current effects are expected to wear off in approximately five minutes. Also, considering the fact that Subject England is a nation like yourself, sir, and would therefore experience a reduced effect from the burger, it is assumed that the level of effect for us normal humans will be almost double the reported results." The man neatly finished off his report and reorganized his papers into a neat pile.

America smirked. "It looks like the experiment was a success then."

"All thanks to you, sir. You provided the perfect subject to gather data from." The man said respectfully.

America waved off the compliment. "It wasn't too difficult. I knew England's curiosity would win out in the end. Why do you think I left the burgers in such an obvious place?" He leaned back in his chair, hands placed behind his head in a relaxed manner. "We may now proceed with the mass production of the burgers."

The man saluted. "As you wish, sir. I'll get the necessary reports ready."

America chuckled. "The world will be ours before dinnertime."

**Author's Note:**

> Why am I so addicted to writing about scheming!America? It can't be healthy really... And who knew there could be so many twists to fics involving burgers?
> 
> * "Verdammt noch mal diese all" = "Damn this all"; translation courtesy of Google


End file.
